Drunk Uncle Wii U

The Wii U has finally arrived. Our drunken plumber uncle dropped it in our living rooms, drank the last of the mouthwash, and left without flushing the toilet. He does that. We're used to it by now. It's ok. But just like his promise that he'll be around on Thanksgiving, the Wii U is unfulfilling.

I didn't mean to start off so cynical. I love Nintendo. I grew up with Nintendo. I am a Nintendo fanboy. I've owned every Nintendo console and handheld. I've ridden with Mario through warp pipes, go-carts, water packs, and even through time. We all have. Nintendo has captivated us with memorable experiences for decades. But in recent years, I can't help but feel Nintendo has fallen in with the wrong crowd and made some terrible decisions.

It seems clear, to me at least, what Nintendo is trying to do with the Wii U. They look over and see all their old friends playing games on touch screen phones and tablets and think they can lure them back with a tablet controller. "Here, try this! It's like an iPad, but better!" But it's not better. It's just different, and in all the wrong ways. I can sit and play Jetpack Joyride on my iPad while pooping (we all do it), checking my email, listening to the Besties Podcast, and watching a movie. And when I'm done, I still have the battery power to do that for 3 more days. With the Wii U I can play Mario while pooping, but it doesn't feel right. I could probably check my email, but why? I can watch a tv show, but just when Mulder and Scully are finally going to kiss, the battery will die. And I'm not even sure how I'd go about listening to the Besties. I don't need the Wii U to do those things, and I don't want it to try. I just want to hold a normal controller and play Mario like I used to. I know I won't get that from the iPad, and that's why I look to Nintendo.

I want the old Nintendo back. And I hope the old Nintendo wants to come back. The problem is we've already changed the locks. Now it's trying to sneak in through our living room window, but it has to know it can't fit. It's too small. The cat won't even try. Yet they continue pushing. All we can do is pretend not to notice while we sit and watch Super Mario Super Show on our 360s wishing for the good old days. Nintendo has to remember them too, right?

But it's too late. We're going to find Nintendo passed out in an alley with our drunk plumber uncle. "Come on Nintendo, let's go home." But when we go to take their hand...it's cold.