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Opinion: A transcript from an E3 press conference

The following document was found in a puddle of inter-dimensional ooze, bubbling outside the Los Angeles Convention Center.


Executive: Thank you. Thank you. And welcome to E3 2014. We at Company believe this will be the best Electronic Entertainment Expo yet. And after learning about our bold and ambitious catalogue of Entertainment Solutions, we think you'll agree.

In the past year, the Next-Gen Entertainment Device has established itself not simply as the future of video games, but the future of the living room. Company has claimed Faulty Statistical Percentage of the media market space, shipping over Inflated Sales Number. But don't take our word for it, here's what real people have to say:

Cinematic screen displays effusive quotes from Commenters With Screen Names Referencing Popular First-Party Games.

Executive: Let's dig into what makes Company the future of living room entertainment.

Cues 10-minute PowerPoint presentation that grossly misrepresents internal sales data.

Executive: But enough about last year. We at Publisher know what our fans want. And that's innovative, ambitious and never-before-imagined Entertainment Services Provided By Our Mutually Beneficial Corporate Partners. Today on Next-Gen Device, you can watch movies and television in ways impossible just 12 months ago. We revolutionized the landscape of cable television. And this year, we're taking that one step further with Onomatopoeic Brand Name, the first and best solution for internet television — the future of entertainment in the living room.

Confusing promotional video starring an old, white married couple and a handful of yuppies waving their hands in front of the television and watching Keyboard Cat. They laugh, then the old man dances and the old woman makes a face like "Whoa, who invited this guy!"

Executive: That's Onomatopoeic Brand Name: we know you'll love it. Last year, Company announced the most ambitious Sports App in the universe. This year, we want to take that one step further, and who better to tell you than Sports Star.

Sports Star enters.

Sports Star: Hey Executive, go long!

Sports Star throws and/or kicks Sports Ball. Sports Star stands awkwardly on stage. After a few minutes, during a lighting change, a stage manager sneaks out and guides Sports Star away by his elbow.

Executive: With Sports Scoreboard App, you'll feel like you're actually there with Sports Star. Now, let's talk games. At Company, our priority has, is and always will be the games. Never has that been more true than this year. For the rest of this presentation, all we'll be showing are the biggest, the loudest and the most best-est games. Right after this song from the Foo Fighters.

The Foo Fighters raise onto the stage and play, "Bang, Bang, You Can't Tell Me What to Do, Dad!" the credits song from Upcoming First-Person Shooter.

Foo Fighter: We love rock and no one rocks like Company!

Executive: I'll have to get an autograph for my daughter! Okay, now let's talk games. We read your letters, emails and comments. We know what you want. Today, we're happy to announce not one, not two, but three free-to-play sequels to Your Most Cherished Video Game Franchises.

Footage of Favorite Characters of Your Childhood wearing thousands of goofy hats.

Executive: Core gamers will be happy to know the next generation is truly here. This year, we're no longer tied down by our obligation to Previous-Generation Device. We've finally begun work on games built from the ground up for the best gaming hardware on the planet. Until now, games like this were impossible. Take a look for yourself.

Footage of shooters.

Executive: Now you see why we're so excited about 2014, or, as we like to call it, "The Year of Next-Generation Device." I know we're running long, but before we go I think you'll be excited to hear one more thing. Company is proud to announce Next-Generation Device will be the sole provider of timed-exclusive digital-download post-release multiplayer content for the next Military Shooter.

Neo-dubstep trailer.

Executive: See you in 2015!

Applause. Sports Star jogs on stage and gives Executive a messy high five, while a Foo Fighters song ruptures the audience's ear drums. In newfound silence, they find relief.

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