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If George Lucas could screw up the new Star Wars trailer, it'd look like this

Owen S. Good is a longtime veteran of video games writing, well known for his coverage of sports and racing games.

Before the outright incoherent atrocity of the Star Wars prequels, there were the "Special Edition" re-releases of the original 1997 trilogy. You may remember, these were the simpering, unnecessary George Lucas re-cuts that gave us Greedo shooting at Han Solo first and generally crapped all over the memories of a newly adult Generation X, whose tantrums and pleadings for anything Star Wars 20 years earlier had made Lucas tremendously wealthy and powerful. Yes, I'm still bitter about this.

In fact, I'll probably always be bitter about the unnecessary changes in the Special Editions. My biggest personal peeve: They destroyed the best-scored sequence in the trilogy — the Millennium Falcon's escape from Bespin — just so Darth Vader could grunt some expository shit about getting on his shuttle, and we could see him embarking and disembarking aforesaid shuttle, like any sentient lifeform needed to see his transit to understand how he ended up on his command Star Destroyer.

So I'm not exactly laughing when YouTube's timtimfed (who earlier gave us Mario Kart speed skating at the Winter Olympics) offers up the above video, a parody of what the trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens would look like with the Lucas Special Edition treatment, It's still very very spot-on with its completely gratuitous visual inclusions and other inane bullshit.

Realize that I am 41. I remember, as a four-year-old, whining and screaming at Food Town for my mother to buy Cheerios because the box had a cool Star Wars poster inside. Mom was suspicious. "You'll eat this if I buy it, right?" she asked. "Yes!" I immediately lied, having no intention of eating Cheerios because, duh, plain Cheerios taste like a ground-up coloring book. Mom, lured into buying the cereal, acquired for me the Star Wars poster. The next morning I shoved the bowl aside. I mean, it smelled like church.

Mom was, justifiably, furious, and pursued me into the basement where I cowered, insanely clutching a box of flavorless cereal that I loathe to this day. God dammit, I took that beating for you, George Lucas! And see how you repaid me and my brethren! So don't you ever, I mean ever, touch a Star Wars movie again! You just leave bad enough alone, OK?

Now get off my lawn, all of you!

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