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The Jem and the Holograms trailer stomps on everything that made the cartoon great

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Listen, I didn't wake up thinking I was going to get angry about Jem and the Holograms today, but here we are. We're just going to have to make the most of it.

First, watch the this trailer. It's for the upcoming live-action film adaption of the original cartoon, which could most accurately be described as "truly outrageous." But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Here's what I didn't see: A computer called Synergy. The Misfits. There was nothing outrageous about any of that. It's just a dull, suburbia-to-riches story that starts on YouTube and ends with Juliette Lewis giving these kids David Bowie-style makeovers?

Jem wasn't glam because the record label told her to be, Jem was glam because she was a frickin' superhero with magical earings. I think I'm remembering this right.

This is Jem. The real Jem.

Why did they have to make something that was so bonkers and fun into a film that's so boring? They couldn't have made a rocking version of this, something that takes after the excellent Scott Pilgrim film instead of just making everything boring?

This is a crime. Listen, even William Shatner gets how they messed this up.

Now, imagine some other recent reboots had gone the same way.