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The Unauthorized Full House Story cast photo finally kills nostalgia

The cast of The Unauthorized Full House Story has been revealed, and we've prepared a video presentation above that we feel accurately captures our sentiment.

Nostalgia, you will agree, has finally been defeated, banished from the planet to wherever unused emotional states go to die. There it will lie in state next to our fleeting nationwide enjoyment of "Mambo Number 5."

The question that terrifies us is not how we will now find it in ourselves to enjoy Fuller House, because we have already wiped all past and future knowledge of the Full House franchise from our consciousness. No, what really keeps us up at night is this: What emotion will fill the dark crevice where the ability to feel nostalgia once resided? Find out when The Unauthorized Full House Story premieres Aug. 22 on Lifetime.

[Cast, from left to right: No one you have ever heard of.]

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