This week, we — that is, scholarly video producer Simone and intrepid reporter Allegra — had the privilege to dive into Final Fantasy 15 from the very beginning, during which we fought creepy demons, drove shiny cars and made friends with a seedy reporter with some terrible ‘90s frosted tips. You can watch us play through the game’s first chapter in the video above, but there was one other preview we needed to get out to you, our dear readers, as soon as possible.
Even if you know nothing about Final Fantasy 15, you know this: It stars a set of very, very hot boys. But Noctis, Gladiolus, Ignis and Prompto are all of varying degrees of hotness — and deciding which of these sweet boys would be your dream date is a tough but crucial choice to make. Below, we share our ogling expertise with you as we rank the four men of FF15 from "get in my bed, please" to "oh good Lord, get away from me."
Simone: Let’s get this out of the way right off the bat. Ignis is the worst. He is a bad friend and he would be a worse boyfriend.
"But Simone, he can cook!"
I don’t care. Yes, Ignis’ recipes look Studio Ghibli-level delicious. That does not make up for his insufferable personality and garbage hair. Ignis wears a fun leopard print shirt, but he is not a fun guy. As far as I can tell, Ignis is the guy who will start explaining why the joke you just made doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t have to make sense, Ignis! It’s just a joke! I don’t have time for that.
There was a life-size poster of Ignis behind the table where we were playing the demo, and I had to put up with him staring down his nose at me for four hours. That is what it would be like to date Ignis, and I love myself too much to let that happen.
Allegra: I don’t love myself, unlike Simone — but I have enough self-respect to know better than to spend any amount of time with Ignis. This four-eyed asshole is a walking "Well, actually," except replace the implied fedora with an exhausting amount of leather. There is not a single moment that went by in which Ignis did not doubt Noctis’ ability to do literally anything for himself. I think Noctis can handle driving his own damn car, Ignis! This guy knows how to use magic.
I mean, yes, it’s nice that Ignis is willing to drive his buddies around without a complaint ... unless it’s nighttime. Apparently, this straight-laced punk is afraid of the dark. Everyone knows that the night time is the right time for love, and I’m not about to rewrite the laws of attraction for this bedwetter. Daytime dates are a dime a dozen, Ignis; if you want a girl to love you, you’ll get over yourself and those daemons you’re oh-so-afraid of.
Also get better glasses, because goddamn, yours are not cute.
Simone: Noctis is okay, but he does not thrill me. He is brave enough to wear capris, and I appreciate that, but he also managed to reach adulthood without learning that Sasuke from Naruto shouldn’t be anyone’s hair inspiration.
Despite the fact that Noctis is a prince, I do not want to marry him, neither for his looks, his personality, nor the piles of money he must have lying around somewhere. That’s not a good sign. Noctis doesn’t offend me, but he also doesn’t titillate me. If Noctis asked me out, I would let him down easy.
Allegra: I tend to like my boys tortured and sullen, and Noctis fits the bill right there. But upon further consideration, do I really want to spend my time with a boy who’s dealing with the loss of his kingdom and is already madly in love with another girl? I mean ... honestly? Kind of.
But I need to get over this self-sabotaging predilection of mine, so Noctis and I shouldn’t even try to make it work. He’s got way too much going on ... and he has terrible taste in friends, considering the jerks he pals around with.
Simone: Prompto is a sweet baby boy that I would destroy with my body. He looks like you could break him in half with your pinky. His arms are small pale twigs. Has he ever seen the sun?
Like Noctis, Prompto has made some brave fashion choices. He has leopard print pants, and he has seen fit to wear a studded leather vest with a skull stitched on the back. I don’t know who let him out of the house dressed like this, but I thank them.
As you run around in Final Fantasy 15, Prompto will whine and make quippy jokes. He also likes to take photos. Once, he took a photo mid-battle of Noctis getting his ass kicked and flying through the air. What a dick move! I love Prompto.
Allegra: Simone, I would never choose a boy over you. But I’d be lying if Prompto’s tiny body didn’t make me reconsider my loyalties.
The Final Fantasy 15 Brotherhood anime tells his endearing backstory: He’s an ex-chubster who lost a ton of weight and changed his style to look good for a dude he liked — that dude being Noctis. Okay, yeah, they were "just friends," but haven’t we all been there? I know I have.
It hasn’t worked out as well for me as it has for Prompto, who's chilling with his new BFF on the reg and has a smokin’ hot, if super pasty, bod. But somewhere inside him is a self-conscious dork who is scrutinizing every selfie he takes, and that is the Prompto I want to love up on ASAP.
Simone: Friends, I’m as surprised as you are. When the cast of Final Fantasy 15 was announced, I expected Gladiolus to rank a solid third, right above Ignis, who no one in their right mind would touch ever.
And yet as we began playing Final Fantasy 15, I felt a strange stirring in my heart, and in my brain, and in the rest of my body as well.
Gladiolus is strong and has extensive tattoos, and he doesn’t wear a shirt under his leather jacket. When he does wear a shirt, as seen above, it’s a tank top! Scientifically, men in tank tops are actually hotter than shirtless men, because they leave certain parts exposed, while leaving the rest to your fertile imagination. It is no coincidence that Gladiolus’ only shirt is a tank top.
When your party makes camp, Gladiolus happily offers to pitch the tent and uses his large arms to hammer spikes into the ground. When he is done making a temporary home for his friends to sleep in, he looks happy and faintly proud. What a good guy!
At one point in the first hour of Final Fantasy 15, Noctis was talking, but Gladiolus’ strangely beautiful face was partially visible on the far side of the screen, and I forgot who I was and what I was doing. He is so lovely that I forgive him for having a long, spiky mullet.
I want him to hammer me into the ground like a tent spike.
Allegra: The very first thing we did while playing Final Fantasy 15, a game we’ve waited 10 years for, was zoom in on Gladio’s tight, perfect booty.
Final Fantasy 15 is good.
This dog we got to pet
Allegra: I’d do it.
Simone: Cindy calls this guy Pa-Pa, but pronounced like Paw Paw, like Baloo in The Jungle Book. I will not date a man who allows himself to be addressed this way.
Allegra: Would I date Grandpa Cid? Nah. But I’m sure there are a thousand very graphic fanfics waiting to be written that pair Cid and Cindy together. You people sicken me.
Simone: Dino is actually strangely beautiful, with his doelike eyes and long lashes. And then he opens his fucking mouth. His accent sounds like it’s been dragged through every gutter in Brooklyn and I hate it. It doesn’t match his beautiful face at all and, like Cindy’s terrible Southern accent, it is incredibly fake.
Dino is a journalist so I feel like we might have a lot to talk about on a date, but his very existence upsets me.
Allegra: Fun fact: Dino — this skeevy reporter who talks up his "integrity" and then refuses to give you ferry tickets unless you do a dumb mission for him — started his career in an Everclear-style, pre-nu metal rock band, as evidenced by that dye job. By fun fact, I mean, "Get this beautiful, horrible man away from me."
Also, his eyeliner looks better than mine, and I hate that.
A giant, ominous bird that keeps showing up for some reason
Simone: It’s too big.
Allegra: I like big. Into it.
That cat we left hanging during a sidequest
Simone: Allegra was supposed to feed this cat but she didn’t. Based on the fact that she’s my friend, I think the cat would probably not want to date me.
Allegra: I will feel bad about accepting and then forgetting to finish this cat-feeding sidequest every day until Nov. 29, when Final Fantasy 15 finally, finally comes out. I will kiss this cat so much to make up for my wrongdoing.