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Please don’t let Cuphead speedruns make you feel bad about yourself

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Some people beat the whole game in the amount of time it takes you to beat a level

Most of us can agree that Cuphead is difficult: Early worlds can take hours to beat, even with a two-person team. (Just ask my friends Pat and Simone.) But there are already several players out there set on making the rest of us look bad, speedrunning the game in a devastatingly short amount of time.

Hours after another player set the first world record, streamer Frozendoze blazed through Cuphead to defeat all of the bosses in just 32 minutes, 15 seconds. The archive above shows him busting through levels in just under a minute, the idea of which makes my head spin. He even has the time to stop by the Porkrind Emporium and thoughtfully purchase some new weapons for our little Cuphead hero.

That’s a smart move, because it helps him knockout the game’s infuriating bosses in as little as 30 seconds. My fingers hurt just thinking about doing that — but let’s put a positive spin on this. We can watch this and take it both as inspiration and a training video for our own Cuphead runs.

It’s hard to say the same about this deathless speedrun below, from horheristo. This streamer beat Cuphead on regular difficulty without dying, restarting or using any health charms — all in under an hour.

Sometimes I think there’s nothing left to be amazed by, but people like these folks prove me wrong nearly every day. Best of luck to all of you Cuphead players who aspire to truly run through this charming, if devilish, run-and-gun game some day.