Assassin’s Creed Origins: This is how you pet cats

Obviously if a game set in ancient Egypt doesn’t let you appreciate cats, it’s a worthless piece of garbage. Assassin’s Creed Origins is not that game!

But Origins isn’t just a game that lets you pet cats. It presents one of the most realistic cat-petting scenarios of all time. Read on.

How to pet a cat

Don’t do anything!

If you crouch and approach a cat in Assassin’s Creed Origins, Bayek will reach out automatically to pet it softly on the head. He will continue to do this as long as you’re crouched there, and it will be adorable.

What this means is that essentially, you are forced to treat cats in the game as you do in real life: Running after them on all fours and hoping that they will stay still long enough to let you touch them.

The first cat I found hung out by my feet and meowed at me after I stopped petting him. Realism!

The next time I logged on I spent 10 minutes looking for cats and couldn’t find them. Double realism!

Where the game falls short

Ubisoft Montreal/Ubisoft

There are several other species of animal in Assassin’s Creed Origins, and I cannot get Bayek to pet any of them. Here is a list of animals he would not touch:

1. Goats
2. Cows
3. Crocodiles (fuck these guys)
4. Chickens
5. Rats
6. Horses (kind of negated by the fact that you can ride them)
7. Camels (ditto)
8. And finally, most insultingly, dogs.

Yes, there are beautiful sleek Egyptian dogs in Assassin’s Creed Origins, and Bayek would not pet these dogs when I was standing next to them. Nor would he pet them when crouching.

What did happen was that I crouch-followed the dog in an attempt to get close enough to pet him, and then he peed on me.

This is definitely the darkest timeline.