I met the love of my life shortly after turning 18.
He’s abnormally tall and possesses a voice that commands attention. His three fingers maneuver clumsily against mine when our hands intertwine. The texture of his skin is rough and resembles sandpaper. When we kiss, I try not to think of the logistics that come with smashing my mouth into that of someone who doesn’t have conventional lips. He’s less a man and more of a dinosaur/bird hybrid.
The foundation of our relationship was a supportive friendship that slowly blossomed into romance after enough persistence on my end. Although reluctant at first, he eventually let his guard down enough to let me glimpse into his personal life. We discussed failed romantic endeavors, the loss of cherished companions and his resentment toward the way society operated until I exhausted all of his dialogue options.
The love of my life is a Turian, and he’s just one of the many attractive alien races featured in the Mass Effect franchise. I’m here to present a completely objective and not-at-all biased ranking of how hot each alien in Mass Effect is, starting with those who have faces only a Matriarch could love.
24. The Vorcha
Lack of intelligence can be a turn on for some people. I am not some people.
Without the ability to form complex sentences, the only conceivable selling point for the Vorcha would be their looks, but they look like a bat that flew into a wall. They have literally zero things going for them. I know science fiction has spoiled my idea of what interspecies relations will look like in the future, but I’m not putting my toes anywhere near the mouth of a Vorcha. They come dead last on this list, and I resent having to include them at all.
23. The Collectors
Spoiler alert: The Collectors are just Protheans that the Reapers repurposed and sent into the Omega 4 Relay. They look like stink bugs injected with steroids, left to dry in the heat. They can’t speak in any tongue that a human or any other alien could understand, but is that such a big loss?
The only way a Collector could ever hope to be attractive is if they flew directly into the sun ... at least then they’d be hot. The best thing you can say about the Collectors is they’re not the Vorcha, and neither of them should be in your bedroom.
22. The Keepers
The Keepers aren’t attractive, but at least they keep to themselves. They’re quiet, helpful and wear little orange vests that stand out very nicely against the color of their skin.
Except fuck the Keepers figuratively so you don’t have to fuck them literally because they’re all evil. They’re secretly in cahoots with the Reapers, and I don’t like having information kept from me. Communication is key to any relationship, and I can’t look into those big, black eyes anymore knowing they intend to hurt me every time I come back to the game. If I want to have sex with someone that will hurt me, I’ll go to an Ardat-Yakshi.
21. The Batarians
Eye hate to break it to you, but the Batarians are one of the least sexy species in the galaxy. It isn’t because of their beady, hate-filled pupils or eight nostrils either. In fact, they’re quite boring to look at.
The issue is that every interaction I’ve ever had with a Batarian has brought nothing but feelings of disdain. If they aren’t trying to poison me at the bar, they’ll pounce at any opportunity to tell me I’m a sack of shit.
I don’t think I’d ever give a Batarian the time of day, let alone my number, and maybe let’s cut it out with the negging. The “my entire species was just wiped out” card won’t fly here.
20. The Yahg
Yahg going to want to listen to me when I tell you that this is a species you don’t want to take to bed.
Besides the imminent threat of being crushed to death, assuming you’re a human female and that’s not your thing, the Yahg are actual predators. These extremely beefy boys were banned from interacting with Citadel space because they murdered a bunch of ambassadors who just wanted to say hello.
If that’s not enough to scare you off, just look at their mouths. Do you really want to stick your tongue down there? Do you want to stick anything down there? Of course not.
19. The Thresher Maw
Ignore the fact that a Thresher Maw is basically a giant, angry space snake. Its entire body is ribbed, and it has literal tentacles for a mouth.
While not hot, the species does posses a quality that I find incredibly attractive. They’re complete introverts, and only their heads show up above ground. These creatures are adept at burrowing and hardly need to come up for air. Imagine the possibilities that holding your breath for that long could afford you!
I could see myself getting attached to a Thresher Maw if I, too, were a subterranean carnivore. As it stands, they just barely sneak in at number 19.
18. The Rachni
I’m not going to hook up with the Rachni because they resemble shrimp. While many races in Mass Effect straddle the fine “would this count as bestiality?” line, I think that once the babe you’re eyeing starts to look like dinner I would encourage you to simmer down.
The Rachni Queen herself is just a version of jumbo shrimp, so unless she comes onto me with a martini glass filled with sauce I’d likely pass.
17. The Thorian
The Thorian is a sentient plant with mind control and telepathic abilities. If it swallows you whole, it can spit out clones. The more the merrier, am I right?
More importantly, if you ingest its spores the Thorian can control you by inflicting pain in order to get you to do its bidding. To all the subs out there, rejoice. It also has lots of tendrils, which is kind of kinky if you’re creative enough.
Still, I’m not sure if the pros outweigh the cons, because the Thorian has attachment issues and is kind of a shitbag to other species. I’ll save myself until the next tentacle-having alien comes along, thanks.
16. The Kett
While the Kett exist within Andromeda, they must have missed the weekly meeting where all of the galaxies got together and agreed to create some fuckable aliens. On the other hand, bone armor. Which means they’re rock hard, 24/7.
We’re starting to get somewhere.
15. The Varren
I know what you’re thinking. “What is a space dog doing on this list reserved for hot aliens?”
Hear me out on this one. The Varren are just incredibly good boys who get a bad rap because they’re associated with Krogans. Their teeth are sharp, perfect for biting directly into your heart. I’m not here to judge you based on your preferences, but if you don’t find the Varren cute? You’re wrong.
14. The Volus
Close your eyes. Imagine the hottest noise you can think of. Something that really gets the ol’ motor revving.
If your initial thought wasn’t “the laboured, respiratory breathing of a Volus” then my work here is done. They aren’t the most physically adept species in the Mass Effect universe, so they depend on the likes of Turians for protection. They seem to be the type that want to receive more than they want to give, if you know what I mean. Also, I can’t be sexually attracted to anything that resembles the shape of Danny DeVito in the slightest.
13. The Elcor
The Elcor are one of the few species in Mass Effect that are always placed in a compromising position, but it’s not their fault our gravity is so weak.
Besides being one of the strongest species relative to their size, the Elcor are also very, very slow in their movement and speech. Although their voices are monotone, all dialogue is prefixed with explicit emotional statements. The upside to dating an elephant with Cthulhu's mouth would be the amazing communication skills. Their marriage vows would probably take an hour and so would getting off … to the nearest mass relay so you wouldn’t miss your honeymoon departure.
Excited typing: We’re starting to get into the good aliens, now.
12. The Reapers
The concept of having relations with your enemy might be thrilling to some and, under duress, I can almost see the appeal. It’s a constant “will they, won’t they” back-and-forth between the Reapers and me. You’re a synthetic/organic octopus-looking thing while I’m a mere mortal who wants what I can’t have. It’s kind of hot.
The Reapers are hell-bent on destruction, and I’m ready for them to destroy me.
11. The Angara
I’m conflicted about the Angara. On one hand, they’re a new species exclusive to the Andromeda galaxy. Sowing my wild oats where no man has ever been is an exciting prospect.
But the Angara look like the love child of a girthy squid and a terrified, neon cat. Living in space can be an isolating, lonely experience and if I were desperate enough, I’d text an Angara to come to my quarters to try something new. They get ranked high for novelty, and I’m not going to apologize.
10. The Humans
We need to give ourselves some credit. We, as aliens, are pretty damn diverse and I think everyone can find something they like here. But, if given the choice between an alien and a human, I’d rather take one small step (away) for man on this one.
Still, seeing as how I’m human, my self-esteem would be shot if I didn’t include myself in my own top ten.
9. The Hanar
If you didn’t think I was going to make a tentacle joke because it’s predictable and we’ve already gone down that road, think again.
The Hanar are hot. Think of the flexibility having that many appendages could offer you! I like to imagine that being held by a Hanar would be a lovely experience, and I have a feeling you would need that kind of aftercare considering the possibilities in this relationship.
8. The Protheans
The Protheans are literally daddy material. The only issue is there’s only one left in existence, which makes courting them a challenge.
If you like your aliens aged like fine wine, Protheans are definitely your go-to. Their mouths also seem to be stuck in a perpetual scowl, which is attractive.
7. The Geth
The Geth are a race of networked artificial intelligence units created by Quarians. When you think of the Geth, avoid thinking of the hive mind. Use Legion as your frame of reference. Having sex with robots is an eventuality none of us will be able to avoid, and I’d be more than willing to wait a couple hundred years for one that resembles a flashlight with arms.
6. The Salarians
The Salarians may not have a very active sex drive, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to take them for a ride. I think Salarians are given a bad rap, especially since a lot of them are big nerds. I don’t know why, but something about the way their heads are shaped really draws me in. They resemble the traditional gray alien in science fiction with their large eyes, and they’re incredibly skinny. They’re soft boys and deserve to be desired.
5. The Krogan
The Krogan are thicc with two c’s. Sure, the Krogan look like toads with sharp teeth, but ever since I learned the men posses a “quad” instead of a “pair” my morbid curiosity has betrayed me. The Krogan women are strong, and I want one of them to punch me in the face so I can say “thank you.”
They’ve also really taken a beating as a species, so if that’s what you’re into, you can see why they’re so high on the list.
4. The Asari
Physically speaking, the Asari are basically human women in various shades of blue and purple with tentacles sticking out of the back of their heads.
They also mind-meld with partners. It’s not always sexual, but even when it isn’t … it is. My brain hurts just trying to think of what it must feel like to have every part of my body completely overwhelmed when it’s “joined” with an Asari’s. I’m in. I’m very in.
3. The Quarian
Quarians are so close to the top of the list because you never see what they look like, ever. It’s like being blindfolded in the bedroom, but at the very start of your relationship.
There’s just something about having to play off a Quarian’s personality in order to get to know them before they take a hundred immune system boosters so you can see some shoulder. Waiting is the ultimate turn on and, friends, I’m ready to hurry up and wait.
2. The Turians
If my blatant love of Turians weren’t obvious to begin with, let me say this: Turians are tall, have sharp talons and all of them have an incredibly interesting voice that has a very distinct twang. Ignore the fact that they look like parrots with no lips and you’re set.
Humans, remember the wise words of Mordin Solus: “Don’t ingest.”
1. The Drell
Here is the most attractive alien race in all of Mass Effect. The aliens you and I would like to bang the most. There can be no argument.
Imagine getting hot and heavy with a Drell. You close your eyes and lean in to press your lips against their neck and then suddenly, BAM. You’re tasting colors and seeing stars.
If a human tastes/licks the skin of a Drell, they literally start to trip balls. Imagine the partner that really did it for you, and now turn them into a joint.
Not only is that a bonus, but the Drell were specifically designed to be attractive to women. Even though a lot of Drell sound like there’s something stuck in their throat, I would listen to one drone on for hours if it meant I could lick his ...
Emma Kidwell is a level 11 Bard who writes sometimes.