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Which Joy-Con controller is sexiest?

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Investigative journalism takes to the streets

Washington Square Park was alive with the sound of people who weren’t quite sure what the Nintendo Switch was, the week before the console was released.

But I was there to get the opinions of the so-called “experts.” I wanted ordinary, red-blooded Americans. I was equipped with two blown-up, grainy print-outs of the Nintendo Switch Joy-Con controllers, and a single question.

Which one is sexier?

Is it the black-on-grey controller with a d-pad? Or is it the black-on-grey controller with letter buttons, and a tempting home button?

“Simone,” you’re asking, “why didn’t you ask them about the neon red and blue Joy-Cons? Aren’t those more visually distinct?”

You fool, I respond. How do you expect me to get authentic hard data from controllers that are really, noticeably different? Obviously the red controller would win anyway, because our monkey brains are hard-wired to find the color red sexy. Don’t mess with my science.

Check out the video about to see the results of my investigation. The answers might surprise you.