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Amazon, we need to talk. We’ve seen what you plan to put up for Prime streaming in September, and we’re growing concerned about your well-being.
Sacred Flesh? Virgin Among the Living Dead? Successive Slidings Of Pleasure? The 2016 Ben-Hur remake?!?! Now, we understand that you’re a growing company going through some big changes. But if you don’t get your act together soon, you’re gonna end up like Break.com. And you don’t want that, believe us.
Take Netflix, for example: It’s getting Disney classics like Hercules and Mulan on Sept. 1, Pocahontas on Sept. 14 and Beauty and the Beast on Sept. 19. Sure, Disney is cutting ties with Netflix in a few years, but viewers can count on the new season of BoJack Horseman to stick around forever, starting Sept. 8!
And Netflix is even rolling out Final Fantasy 14: Dad of Light on Sept. 1 for all the fans of online gaming and father-son relationships. See how Netflix has all of its genres covered except exploitative erotica, Amazon?
Or why not be more like Hulu? On Sept. 1, Hulu will add Tim Burton’s Batman and Batman Returns, as well as the first two Robocop movies. It even has its own Disney movies coming Sept. 5: The Emperor’s New Groove and Lilo & Stitch! Where is your heartwarming and family-friendly content, Amazon?
Even HBO is getting nerdy classics like Tron, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and Hellboy 2: The Golden Army on Sept. 1. Plus, some of last year’s box office hits, like La La Land and Hidden Figures, will hit the streaming service in the middle of the month. And for the Assassin’s Creed die-hards out there, the feature film comes to HBO on Sept. 23. No Disney movies, but hey, there’s ... Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.
Sorry for being so hard on you, Amazon. We know you’ve got One Mississippi season 2 coming Sept. 8 and Transparent season 4 on its way Sept. 22. Those are good shows! But you’ve just gotta get your head outta the gutter. We only want what’s best for you.
NETFLIX
Sept. 1
Amores Perros
City of God
Dead Poets Society
Deep Blue Sea
Disney’s Hercules
Disney’s Mulan
FINAL FANTASY XIV Dad of Light, season 1
Fracture
Gangs of New York
Gone Baby Gone
High Risk
Hoodwinked
Hotel for Dogs
Jaws
Jaws 2
Jaws 3
Jaws: The Revenge
LEGO Elves: Secrets of Elvendale, season 1
Little Evil
Maniac, season 1
Narcos, season 3
Outside Man, volume 2
Pulp Fiction
Requiem for a Dream
Resurface
Shaq & Cedric the Entertainer Present: All Star Comedy Jam
Shaquille O’Neal Presents: All Star Comedy Jam: Live from Atlanta
Shaquille O’Neal Presents: All Star Comedy Jam: Live from Dallas
Shaquille O’Neal Presents: All Star Comedy Jam: Live from Las Vegas
Shaquille O’Neal Presents: All Star Comedy Jam: Live from Orlando
Shaquille O’Neal Presents: All Star Comedy Jam: Live from South Beach
She’s Gotta Have It
The B-Side: Elsa Dorfman’s Portrait Photography
The Last Shaman
The Lost Brother
The Rugrats Movie
The Secret Garden
The Squid and the Whale
West Coast Customs, season 5
Who the F**K is that Guy
Sept. 2
Vincent N Roxxy
Sept. 4
Graduation
Sept. 5
Carrie Pilby
Facing Darkness
Like Crazy
Marc Maron: Too Real
Newsies: The Broadway Musical
Sept. 6
A Good American
Hard Tide
Sept. 7
The Blacklist, season 4
Sept. 8
#realityhigh
Apaches, season 1
BoJack Horseman, season 4
Fabrizio Copano: Solo Pienso En Mi
Fire Chasers, season 1
Greenhouse Academy, season 1
Joaquín Reyes: Una y no más
Spirit: Riding Free, season 2
The Confession Tapes, season 1
The Walking Dead, season 7
Sept. 9
Portlandia, season 7
Sept. 11
The Forgotten
Sept. 12
Jeff Dunham: Relative Disaster
Sept. 13
Offspring, season 7
Ghost of the Mountains
Sept. 14
Disney’s Pocahontas
Sept. 15
American Vandal, season 1
First They Killed My Father
Foo Fighters: Back and Forth
George Harrison: Living in the Material World
LarcenyProject Mc²: Part 5
RumbleStrong Island
VeggieTales in the City, season 2
Sept. 18
Call the Midwife, series 6
The Journey Is the Destination
Sept. 19
Disney’s Beauty and the Beast
Jerry Before Seinfeld
Love, Sweat and Tears
Sept. 20
Carol
Sept. 21
Gotham, season 3
Sept. 22
Fuller House, season 3
Jack Whitehall: Travels with My Father, season 1
The Samaritan
Sept. 23
Alien Arrival
Sept. 25
Dark Matter, season 3
Sept. 26
Bachelorette
Night School
Restless Creature: Wendy Whelan
Terrace House: Aloha State: Part 4
Sept. 27
Absolutely Anything
Sept. 29
Big Mouth, season 1
Club de Cuervos, season 3
Gerald’s Game
Real Rob, season 2
Paul Hollywood’s Big Continental Road Trip, season 1
Our Souls at Nights
The Magic School Bus Rides Again, season 1
Sept. 30
Murder Maps, season 3
HULU
Sept. 1
Keeping Up With the Kardashians, season 13
A River Runs Through It
Addam’s Family Values
The Addams Family
Akeelah and the Bee
American Loser
An Inconvenient Truth
And You Thought Your Parents Were Weird
Autopsy
Barnyard
Batman (1989)
Batman Returns
Best Seller
Bio-Dome
The Black Stallion
The Blue Lagoon
Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations
Carrie (1976)
Contact
The Cove
The Cup
Dances with Wolves
Dare Not Walk Alone
The Dark Half
Disturbing Behavior
Dead Hands Dig Deep
Defiance
Down to Earth
Dr. Strange (2006)
Dying Breed
Eternity: The Movie
Fools Rush In
Fright Night
The Golden Child
Gridiron Heroes
Harriet the Spy
History of Jazz: Oxygen for the Ears
Hitch
Home Sweet Hell
Indecent Proposal
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)
The Invincible Iron Man
Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love
Kill Me, Deadly
L.A. Twister
Lars and the Real Girl
Last Chance Harvey
The Last Godfather
The Levenger Tapes
The Loved Ones
Mad Hot Ballroom
Man About Town
The Men Who Stare at Goats
Mistress
The Monster Squad
My Girl
My Girl 2
Nacho Libre
The Neverending Story
The Object of Beauty
Offspring
Ordinary People
Outbreak
The Pelican Brief
Planet Hulk
Poseidon
Princess Kaiulani
Pumpkinhead
The Rage — Carrie 2
Red Garters
Remember the Goal
Return to the Blue Lagoon
River’s Edge
Robocop
Robocop 2
Sanctuary
Secretary
Shooter
The Silence of the Lambs
Silent Hill
Sinbad: Beyond the Veil of Mists
Sleepover
Spring Broke
Something to Talk About
Stomp the Yard
Surfer, Dude
Switchback
Tiger Raid
Thor: Tales of Asgard
Ultimate Avengers 2
Ultimate Avengers: The Movie
Ultraviolet
Walking Tall
You Got Served
You Got Served: Beat the World
Sept. 2
Adventure Time, season 8
Ben-Hur (2016)
Freaky Friday (1977)
Freaky Friday (2003)
Sept. 3
The Eye
Sept. 5
The Emperor’s New Groove
Insatiable: The Homaro Cantu Story
Lilo & Stitch
The Lodge
Returning Citizens
Survivor
Sept. 6
Crash
Sept. 7
Total Bellas, season 2 premiere
Burden
Sept. 9
The Magnificent Seven (2016)
Sept. 11
The Orville, series premiere
Top of the Lake: China Girl, 3-day premiere event
Sept. 12
The Mindy Project, season 6 premiere
Filth
Sept. 13
Anomaly
Once Upon a Time in Shanghai
Sept. 14
South Park, season 21
Robo-Dog: Airborne
Sept. 15
Good Behavior, season 1
An American Werewolf in London
Child of God
Endless Love
The Lookalike
The Road Within
Skating to New York
The Thaw
These Final Hours
The Women of Brewster Place
Sept. 16
Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Jail
Sept. 19
Straight/Curve: Challenging the Beauty
Sept. 20
Pirates
Sept. 21
The Commune
Food Evolution
Sept. 22
Doc McStuffins, season 4
Interview with a Hitman
Kiki
Killers
McCanick
Sword of Vengeance
Vengeance of an Assassin
Sept. 23
Grey’s Anatomy, season 13 premiere
Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell, season 3
Sept. 25
Miles From Tomorrowland, season 2
Power, season 3
The Double
Sept. 26
The Brave, series premiere
The Voice, season 13 premiere
Sept. 27
Brooklyn Nine-Nine, season 5 premiere
Law & Order True Crime: The Menendez Murders series premiere
Lethal Weapon, season 2 premiere
The Mick, season 2 premiere
This Is Us, season 2 premiere
The ABC’s of Death
Frankie & Alice
Hammer of the Gods
I Saw the Devil
Kiss of the Damned
Let the Right One In
Splinter
Survival of the Dead
V/H/S
V/H/S 2
Sept. 28
Chicago P.D., season 5 premiere
Empire, season 4 premiere
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, season 19 premiere
Star, season 2 premiere
Dance Flick
Sept. 29
Family Matters, complete series
Full House, complete series
Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper, complete series
Perfect Strangers, complete series
Step By Step, complete series
Chicago Fire, season 6 premiere
Ghosted, series premiere
The Good Place, season 2 premiere
Gotham, season 4 premiere
Great News, season 2 premiere
Superstore, season 3 premiere
Will & Grace, season 9 premiere
Sept. 30
Hell’s Kitchen, season 17 premiere
The Evil in Us
Once Upon a Time in Venice
AMAZON
Sept. 1
Unsolved Mysteries: Original Robert Stack Episodes, season 8
American Loser
American Ruling Class
And You Thought Your Parents Were Weird
Autopsy
Best Seller
Bio-Dome
Blood Car
Boy
Breathing
Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations
Calloused Hands
Carrie (1976)
Charlotte Rampling: The Look
Clip
Computer Chess
Dark Ride
Dead Weight
Dirty Dancing
Disturbing Behavior
Double Headed Eagle
Double Take
Down To Earth
Duane Michaels: The Man Who Invented Himself
Dying Breed
Free Radicals
Ganja & Hess
Gogol Bordello: Non Stop
Hippie Masala
Holes In My Shoes
Huff
In The Land Of The Deaf
Indecent Proposal
Kama Sutra: A Tale Of Love
Khodorkovsky
Kingdom Of Shadows
Korkoro
La Maison De La Radio
Lars And The Real Girl
Lipstick & Dynamite: The First Ladies of Wrestling
Look Both Ways
Man About Town
Manuscripts Don’t Burn
Meditate And Destroy
Mistress
Mr. X
Music From The Big House
Nollywood Babylon
Offspring
Primitive London
Princess Kaiulani
Pumpkinhead
Red Garters
River’s Edge
Sacred Flesh
Sacrifice
Schoolgirl Hitchhikers
Sleepover
Successive Slidings Of Pleasure
Switchback
The Black Stallion
The Bloodsucker Leads The Dance
The Cove
The Cup
The Dark Half
The Fairy
The Giants
The Golden Child
The Hills Have Eyes 2
The Last Godfather
The New Public
The Object Of Beauty
The Rage - Carrie 2
The Revisionaries
The Search For One Eyed Jimmy
The Sinful Nuns Of Saint Valentine
The Workshop
This Ain’t No Mouse Music
Truth In Numbers? Everything According to Wikipedia
Vanishing Waves
Videocracy
Virgin Among The Living Dead
Virgin Witch
Web Junkie
Wedding Crashers
When I Saw You
Wide Awake
With One Voice
Sept. 2
Ben-Hur (2016)
Sept. 7
The Hunter’s Prayer
Tubelight
Sept. 8
One Mississippi, season 2
Sept. 9
The Magnificent Seven (2016)
Sept. 10
Meri Pyaari Bindu
Sept. 11
Frantz
Sept. 12
The Ray Bradbury Theater, season 6
ReGenesis, seasons 2-4
Sept. 15
An American Werewolf In London
Endless Love
The Thaw
The Women Of Brewster Place
Beauty And The Baker, season 1
Sept. 16
Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes To Jail
Sept. 19
Straight/Curve: Challenging The Beauty
Sept. 21
Kill Switch
Sept. 22
Transparent, season 4
Sept. 23
Elian
Sept. 25
Bronte Sisters, season 1
Sept. 26
Wishenpoof!, season 2a
Unsolved Mysteries: Original Robert Stack Episodes, season 9
Sept. 28
Dance Flick
Thursday Night Football, game 1
HBO
Sept. 1
Al Final Del Tunel (AKA At the End of the Tunnel)
Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
The Amityville Horror (2005)
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Body of Lies
The Crew
Dumb and Dumber
The Express
Fantastic Voyage
Fried Green Tomatoes : Director's Cut
Halloween: Resurrection
Head of State
Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
How High
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Keeping the Faith
Maximum Overdrive
My Sister's Keeper
Scarface
Scent of a Woman
Sea of Love
Sex and the City: The Movie — Extended Version
Stick It
Traders
Tron
Sept. 2
A Monster Calls
Sesame Street, season 47
Sept. 6
Hard Knocks '17 — Training Camp with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Sept. 8
J Balvin: Bruuttal
Sept. 9
Hidden Figures
Sept. 10
The Deuce, series premiere
Insecure, season 2 finale
Sept. 11
HBO First Look: Battle of the Sexes
Sept. 13
Kingsman: The Golden Circle: HBO First Look (9/13)
Sept. 15
Maquinaria Panamericana (AKA Panamerican Machinery)
Sept. 16
La La Land
Sept. 17
Vice Principals, season 2 premiere
Sept. 22
Yo Soy Un Politico (AKA I Am A Politician)
Sept. 23
Assassin's Creed
Sept. 24
Ballers, season 3 finale
Sept. 25
Clinica de Migrantes: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness
Sept. 30
Felipe Esparza: Translate This
Why Him?