Splatoon 2 European players tackle another divisive question: How the toilet paper hangs

Correction: The headline to a prior version of this story incorrectly identified the material used to wipe one’s bottom. It is toilet paper, not “toiler paper.”

Four weeks after Splatoon 2’s Japanese players adjudicated, once and for all, the primacy of Chicken McNuggets over fries, it’s covening European players to settle the matter of how the toilet paper hangs.

Oh yes, it really is going after this wedge issue. Today and tomorrow, the EU-only Splatfest is between Team Toilet Roll Should Hang in Front! and Team Toilet Roll Should Hang Behind!

I try to be inclusive of others’ values knowing that I write for a pluralist audience but there is no compromising on this one: Team Toilet Roll Should Hang Behind, all the way. It’s tidier, rolls back up more easily and is more challenging for cats to unspool. I rescued a full roll once simply by rolling back up what the cats had pulled down. Advantage: me.

Of course, some philistines see it differently, and they are entitled to have wagging white tongues blowing in the breeze in dwellings they own or rent. Which brings us to the real point of contention: Public restrooms. In this case, I am simply on Team It Better Unspool At All From That Giant Plastic Contraption And Please Don’t Be the Consistency of Newsprint.

The Splatfest is underway and runs until 4 p.m. Central European Time tomorrow. There is a two-part review of the question: The first is a straight poll in Inkopolis square; the second is how many matches are won by players declaring for either team.

North America has yet to get its latest themed Splatfest; the last one, earlier this month, asked players to choose between flight as a superpower or invisibility, which is kind of tame. Given Splatoon 2’s newfound thirst for turning people on another over trivial matters, I expect the next one here to be a real doozy.