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Tecmo Super Bowl predicts the Super Bowl

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If any of this actually happens, holy crap

The Super Bowl is in two weeks, and Tecmo Super Bowl is here to tell you exactly who wins the game and by how much, so that you can bet your mortgage on the big game.

Spoiler alert: The winning team’s name rhymes with “Schmeagles.”

In a CPU-on-CPU simulation run by TecmoBowl.org, the granddaddy of American team sports simulations, calls for an agonizing, turnover-filled game. Philadelphia takes the lead on the opening drive, helped there by a 60-yard hookup between quarterback Nick Foles and running back Jay Ajayi.

On the Eagles’ next drive, Ajayi coughs up the ball at the New England 15. Offensive lineman Lane Johnson picks it up and runs it in for a touchdown. Because it’s in the first quarter (and also the ball is recovered behind the point where it was fumbled), it’s a legal touchdown and a 14-0 lead. In real life, this would spark an instant replay review lasting 10 minutes. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together ... mass hysteria!

New England answers with a touchdown and comes charging back on another long drive to open the second half, but, critically, running back James White is brought two yards short of the goal line, forcing the Patriots to settle for a field goal.

Then it really gets goofy.

In the fourth quarter, facing third down and 13 yards to go, Tom Brady, looks for Rob Gronkowski and instead finds safety Rodney McLeod at the New England 20! But don’t get the party started yet, Eagles fans! Quarterback Nick Foles throws an interception on the next play! That sets up — a safety?! Really?

And yet, it’s still not over. Trailing the Eagles 16-10, New England advances to the Eagles’ 35-yard line for the final play.

You have to hand it to the makers of a 27-year old game, developed in Japan, for its ability to come up with something so out-of-hand and still believable as that on a single try.

Super Bowl LII is Sunday, Feb. 4 on NBC at 6:30 p.m. ET.