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Oh God, why did someone port Desert Bus into Doom 2?

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Taking a deliberately bad game and making it deliberately worse

YouTuber Marphitimus Blackimus is, well, a revenant enthusiast when it comes to Doom 2. He’s published a “quadrilogy” of mods featuring the shrieking undead missile launchers. His latest, Revenant Bus, is based on the hellish Sega CD minigame that didn’t launch around the same time Doom 2 did.

Revenant Bus takes a bad concept and makes it worse. Marphitimus Blackimus ports (sorta) the Bus into six “maps” offering 24 hours of gameplay. (Note that we said “gameplay,” not “fun.”) Marphitimus included interactive bus features such as the dashboard hula dancer, honking the horn (by punching it), starting up the bus and opening the door.

But the real fun begins about seven seconds in! That’s when a demon teleporter summons a revenant, and continues to do so every seven seconds for the duration of the trip. The player has no weapons available, so the only means of dealing with the revenants is to punch them to death.

Marphitimus correctly notes that is 12,342 revenants in all, a rate of 8.57 RPM (revenants per minute). And, according to the Doom wikia, the revenant sports a 9.79 MPD (mean punches until death), so you’re in the book for about 120,000 punches as soon as you fire up the engine.

The mod is available on doomworld.com. No word on whether LoadingReadyRun is masochistic enough to include this in any form for its annual Desert Bus for Hope fundraiser coming Nov. 9. Ordinary Desert Bus is probably boring enough.