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Tecmo Super Bowl predicts what every decent human being hopes for in Super Bowl 53

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May it happen exactly this way

No one wants to see the goddamn son-of-a-bitch bastard New England Patriots in another Super Bowl again, but if we have to, we can only hope it goes exactly like this CPU-vs.-CPU simulation dialed up by TecmoBowl.org.

Before we get to the thrilling conclusion, here’s a little context to keep in mind. While this is a mod of 1991’s immortal Tecmo Super Bowl for the NES, that game does not have a victory formation to kill the clock, and the clock runs way faster than the time it shows. So 55 seconds in-game is about 25 or 30 in real time. The Mighty Bombjack Show is also not the halftime show in real life.

With that out of the way, cringe with dread before cackling with delight at the thrilling resolution of Super Bowl LIII™️. Los Angeles, trailing 21-17 at their own 45 with 2:14 left, converts a fourth-and-1 when Todd Gurley popcorns out of a gang tackle at the 50 and thunders to the New England 6, where the Rams use up their last timeout.

L.A. quarterback Jared Goff is then sacked by Dont’a Hightower at the 16 on second down. On third, Goff doesn’t see a wide-open Robert Woods with Patriots corner Jason McCourty coming on a blitz, and his lob for running back Todd Gurley is swatted down at the line of scrimmage. Brandin Cooks drops the fourth-down pass and, with 55 seconds left and no timeouts, it looks like the Patriots are going to win an insufferable sixth championship under Tom Brady and Bill Belichick.

After a 5-yard run to get the clock started, Brady for some reason lines up in the shotgun. Under pressure from Aaron Donald, he still hits Phillip Dorsett on a hook route at the 34 — but Dorsett fumbles! Rams linebacker Bryce Hager scoops up the ball and scampers all the way, as the gun goes off, for the 24-21 win. Belichick, who looks like a turkey buzzard contemplating his last dead possum meal when he’s happy, doesn’t change his expression.

Gurley is, one assumes, the Super Bowl MVP on eight runs for 102 yards and a receiving touchdown. If not him, then Hager. Last year’s simulation also dialed up an agonizing New England defeat, with a safety at the end of the game. While that specific outcome didn’t happen IRL, the Philadelphia Eagles did beat the Patriots 41-33.