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My flying pink car keeps causing problems in GTA Online

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[singing loudly, off-key] BECAUSE YOU ARE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS

Grand Theft Auto Online - a pink Deluxo takes to the skies over mountains Image: Rockstar Games via Polygon

Rockstar occasionally sends me emails about exciting new cars I can purchase in Grand Theft Auto Online. Perhaps I would like some kind of Lamborghini or Ferrari knock-off? I can’t really tell the difference between the endless array of cars constantly advertised to me in-game and via promotions. They all seem to drive real fast. Some of them have two doors, and some of them have four doors.

Look, I never learned all the different kinds of cars, and at this point, I’m too afraid to ask. All that matters is I have gotten my hands on a flying, pink and blue murder car with a funny horn. It’s solving many of my problems! It’s also causing a whole lot of problems. But those problems are being drowned out by my novelty musical horn.

Meet the Deluxo

Now, I’m no expert, but if you ask me, the Deluxo has everything a car needs:

  • Good color (pink)
  • Gun
  • Heat-seeking missiles that make a really satisfying lock-on sound
  • Goes fast

In fact, the Deluxo is, in some ways, symbolic of the problems that haunt Grand Theft Auto Online at the moment. After the launch and introduction of heists, we’ve seen a whole lot of content that escalates and expands on the basic GTA premise of “drive car, do crimes.” Players can take to the skies on hoverbikes, summon tanks, and drop orbital strikes from outer space.

When I’m on the road, stuck in traffic, the urge to escape is overwhelming. Why be stuck on the ground with the rest of these paupers when I can take ... TO THE SKIES!

Mountains? Military bases? Shipments of deadly weapons spread across the map that I need to destroy before a timer runs out? The Deluxo basically trivializes all of these concerns. A fool, an utter rube, might play Grand Theft Auto 5 for the single-player content and learn about the three protagonists and their histories. I climb into a Deluxo and blast the Backstreet Boys hit “I Want It That Way” as I shoot missiles at helicopters.

It’s tough to carry the burden of such genius, but don’t worry, I have a solution: I strap the burden to the back of my pink flying car and run away from any judgments or consequences.

A few minor issues

You would think that the Deluxo has nothing but upsides, and honestly, you’d be right if it weren’t for other people who have problems with the manner in which I conduct myself.

There’s a ramp-up period before liftoff. There was one instance where I expected to take off, but instead, the Deluxo simply skidded around a corner as the wheels slowly lifted up into the body of the car. The car smashed through a gate and into my buddies, one of whom was holding a molotov. After a few moments of chaos, the Deluxo gracefully soared into the skies. Behind me, everything was on fire and my friends were all yelling. Yes, a few people got immolated, but you can’t make an omelette (flying car) without cracking a few eggs (friends).

Another time, I was slowly following a target. This security guard had a keycard on him that I needed for a break-in. The quest giver suggested I knock the guard out, perhaps using a pistol whip. Deluxo had other ideas. The heat-seeking missiles locked onto him and there was the rapid, satisfying series of beeps. So yes, I may have fired a missile at the guy that turned him into salsa. And apparently, that’s a problem because I failed the mission! Listen, no one told me this when I bought the thing.

It should be noted that I enjoy the element of stealth. If I am asked to track an enemy or escort a friend, I’m in the skies. But I also like to make the moment cinematic, so I play my novelty horn to add a certain sense of gravitas.

The truth is, I play this way with the Deluxo to make its power a little less potent. The car is so powerful that it trivializes most of the game. It would be too easy to slip into a groove, soaring over the world, only half-paying attention to my surroundings, focusing on completing quests to earn the most amount of money possible. That’s certainly practical, but it sucks the fun out of the game.

We’re hanging in there and playing regularly at the moment because it’s like being able to jump into a Fast and Furious movie at any time. Those movies are about family, talking about family, showing off our outfits, and doing cool car stunts. And right now the bad boy Dom Torreto of this family is the always unexpected Deluxo.