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I’m starting to think Animal Crossing’s tables aren’t real

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Please help me, my family is dying

A sad villager in Animal Crossing. Image: Nintendo EPD/Nintendo via Polygon

Have you seen her? She has four feet, fits in a living room, and saves items from sprawling on the floor. I speak, of course, of Animal Crossing: New Horizons tables, those elusive furniture items that nobody seems to have.

During my first few days in Animal Crossing, my only table was a cardboard box. I was fine with this, because it felt realistic in a weird way — as if I had truly just moved in somewhere. But a couple of days later, I started to get worried.

Did tables not exist in the Animal Crossing world? Signs pointed to no; my neighbors all lived like animals, sometimes not even having chairs, never mind tables. My shops kept selling unusable garbage. My recipes stacked up, but only for crafting materials I didn’t have, like bamboo shoots. It’s bad enough that someone, in total sincerity, recently suggested using a fish tank as a table to me. A fish tank!

The whole situation is bad enough that it’s become a meme among Animal Crossing fans to say that that tables don’t exist and that nobody has any.

For some, the table thing is literal — they cannot find any. But, for most, it’s a combination of a table shortage, and a mixture of non-cute tables that don’t fit whatever aesthetic they’re going for. Since my starting days, for instance, I’ve gotten an outdoor table, a log table, and a wooden block table set. All of these options are either ugly for my purposes, too big, or not even meant for interior decorating.

Of course, it’s not really that Animal Crossing is missing tables. It’s more that, because the game randomly decides what to give you, there’s a chance you might not see what you want for a good, long while. There are hundreds of items, and your shops can only carry a few things at a time. Chance encounters, like messages in a bottle or DIY recipes held by villagers, are even more happenstance. There’s no nefarious plot happening, just the woes that come with RNG.

The best remedy? Having friends, it seems. Animal Crossing: New Horizons encourages you to visit other islands and trade with your pals, so I’ve spent the last few days traveling all over the world. I’ll do anything for a goddamn Animal Crossing table that is both cute and functional, at this point.