Pokémon Sword and Shield DLC has Slowpoke that go fast, defying nature

Some things you can always expect to be true: Pikachu is cute. Wailord is huge. And Slowpoke, our beloved water/psychic-type, is sluggish.

It’s in the name. Slowpoke. So can someone explain this to me?

The paradox you are witnessing is from a scene out of Isle of Armor, the recent Pokémon Sword and Shield DLC. For those who haven’t played, Isle of Armor introduces you to Mustard, Leon’s mentor, who oversees a dojo where players can take on trials. Mustard is a top-tier trainer who used to be a Galar League Champion.

But just in case that factoid didn’t convince you of his prowess, the DLC also introduces you to three blazing-fast Galarian Slowpoke who were trained by Mustard. These Slowpoke are so quick, they can easily outrun a human. The whole thing is fun bit of lore, albeit one that leaves me with a ton of questions.

How did Mustard achieve this? Even if it is possible to train a Slowpoke to be fast, it must have taken forever, right? I mean, look at what a Pokémon wiki says about the pink monster:

Slowpoke has notoriously dim intellect, and often forgets what it was doing. It takes a long time to respond to outside stimuli. For example, it can take up to five seconds to process pain and can take an entire day to notice when its tail has been bitten.

Everything about this makes Mustard’s accomplishment seem impossible. I am in awe.

But also: if Slowpoke can be fast ... is the name appropriate anymore? What do we call these, Fastpoke? I’m having an existential crisis over here.

While these questions may never be answered, the fact this exists makes me wish that Slowpoke caught in this DLC could have a fast follow animation.

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