On Tuesday night, Pat Sajak and Vanna White watched in shock as three Wheel of Fortune contestants guessed staggeringly incorrect letters and words in an attempt to solve a somewhat obvious puzzle. Our reaction, to be read in the style of actress AnnaLynne McCord delivering a message to Vladimir Putin, follows.
Dear Wheel of Fortune contestants who totally failed last night
I’m so sorry that I was not your mother
If I was your mother, you would have been so loved
Held in the arms of joyous light
Never would this puzzle’s plight
The world unfurled before our eyes
A pure demise
Of the wheel sitting peaceful under a night sky
If I was your mother
The world would have been warm
So much laughter and joy
And no missing letters would harm
I can’t imagine the stain
The soul-stealing pain
That the little puzzle-solver you must have seen and believed
And the formulation of thought
That you lived in a cruel, unjust world.
Is this why
You now decide
No one will get the best of you?
Is this why you do not hide
Nor shy away from taking back the world?
Was it because
So early in life
All that strife
Wracked your little body with fear?
If I was your mother
If the world was cold
I’d have spun the wheel to make you warm.
I’d spin the wheel to protect you from the unjust.
The phrases, the letters, the uncertainty.
I would have spun the wheel to give you life.
Oh, dear Wheel of Fortune contestants
If only I’d been your mother
Perhaps the puzzles of unwrit youth
Would not within your heart imbue
Ascription to such fealty against
That world that seemed so cruel.
Perhaps you would hold dear
And on this night
Instead of Pat Sajak
You would call me.
And I would set your mind quite free
With the love that only a mother can give
And only a mother can take away.
When hold she doesn’t harm at bay
And leaves her Wheel contestants for the promise of Jeopardy!
Whatever your story, Wheel of Fortune contestants
I can’t imagine how it feels in your heart
But I know if I was your mother
That would be a start
Toward the awareness of what a powerful being of light
You could be if your mind was only free
From the violence you’ve seen
When you were just amateurs yelling at the TV.
I cannot believe I was born too late.
In a different place
When I would have loved you so.
Watched you play Wheel
Wherever you go.