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Mamma mia, Nintendo stole Mario’s whole ass in his upcoming movie

Sorry Mario, your ass is in another castle

A teaser shot from the Mario feature film, with a circle and question marks drawn around his suspiciously small butt. Image: Illumination/Universal Pictures via Polygon

Mario is a humble hero, and fans have been eagerly awaiting more news of his upcoming feature film. On Tuesday, Nintendo shared a teaser for an upcoming trailer, and we get to see Mario in all of his glory, looking up at a bright and brilliant — hey. Hey, what’s going on with his ass?

All of us true gamers know that Mario’s a round little dude with a little bit of a tum and a plump butt. I do not mean to be controversial; this is simply what I’ve observed over decades of hardcore gaming. And yet, if you take a gander at this poster, Mario’s got absolutely nothing going on in those overalls of his.

The back of Mario as he stands in a crowded shopping street populated by Toads in the Mushroom Kingdom Image: Illumination/Universal Pictures

I can only assume that Nintendo is angling for a Sonic the Hedgehog-style fan campaign to restore Mario’s mighty cheeks, because right now it’s just sad to see such an iconic hero wearing such saggy, empty overalls. How can we trust this man to jump on goombas and send koopa shells flying when he has nary a cake to spare? I suppose he’s in fine company with some other gaming icons, but Mario deserves better.

Sure, there are lots of fun Easter eggs to spot from previous entries in the Mario canon, and it’s interesting to think about how a big star like Chris Pratt will voice this classic gaming character. But I can’t dwell on these things. I’m too forlorn, thinking about Mario’s tiny little Hank Hill butt.

We’ll find out more about the film at Thursday’s Nintendo Direct focusing on The Super Mario Bros. Movie. It’ll be a while yet before all of our questions are answered; the movie is slated to hit theaters on April 7, 2023.

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