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Elephant Peach just awakened something in Bowser

Don’t want none unless you’ve got a trunk, hun

Bowser gazes wide-eyed at Elephant Peach after she consumes an Elephant Fruit power-up Image: Nintendo
Michael McWhertor is a journalist with more than 17 years of experience covering video games, technology, movies, TV, and entertainment.

You’d think that after 35 years of kidnapping Peach, Bowser might take a hint. She isn’t into you, bro! Unfortunately for the Mushroom Kingdom princess, Bowser’s crush seems like it will only intensify with the release of Super Mario Bros. Wonder later this month — a game in which Mario, Luigi, Peach, Daisy, and Toad can all turn into elephants.

Turns out, Bowser is really into elephants in dresses.

On Wednesday, Nintendo naively and recklessly confirmed this particular fetish in a short clip that sees Bowser attempting to woo Princess Peach with a flower. Bemused by the offer, Peach is then struck by an Elephant Fruit power-up and achieves pachyderm thickness, much to the shocked delight of the King of the Koopas. You can see it in his eyes: This has awakened something carnal, deep within his turtleness. Whatever affection Bowser had for Peach escalates into pure obsession when confronted with a princess of volume, mass, and strength comparable to his own.

Just look at this slack-jawed, lovestruck weirdo.

In theory, this revelation could be beneficial to Peach. Perhaps Bowser will come to terms with his new attraction, and will seek out a Koopa queen who’s more to his particular taste than some delicate human(?) princess. Given that elephants don’t seem to exist in the Mushroom Kingdom outside of fruit-based power-ups, though, it may be hard for Bowser to find a suitable, consensual mate that fits his newly awakened interests. Whatever those are, they don’t seem to be as focused on Peach in her human form.

I am now rooting for Bowser, in hopes that he’ll curb his life of kidnapping, and instead spend some time on elephant dating apps, or flying around in his little clown copter finding true, reciprocal love.

Super Mario Bros. Wonder is coming to Nintendo Switch on Oct. 20. Elephant Fruits aren’t the only new power-up, either. You can read more about the new 2D side-scrolling Mario game in Polygon’s hands-on preview.

The next level of puzzles.

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