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Baldur’s Gate 3’s latest patch is bad news for sex speedrunners

Lae’zel no longer drops pants in under two minutes

Lae’zel from Baldur’s Gate 3 Image: Larian Studios via Polygon
Oli Welsh is senior editor, U.K., providing news, analysis, and criticism of film, TV, and games. He has been covering the business & culture of video games for two decades.

One of the most amusing subcultures to spring up around Baldur’s Gate 3 just got some bad news. I’m talking about the “sex%” speedrunning community, which has been competing to see who can get laid fastest in Larian’s thirsty role-playing epic.

The current record (and title of “UNDISPUTED SEX CHAMPION”) belongs to speedrunner Mae, who persuaded Lae’zel into bed one minute and 58 seconds from the start of the game. This speedy sex feat was enabled by two things: the ability to skip past lots of the game’s opening section to get to Silvanus’ Grove in around one minute, and the fact that Lae’zel is pretty easy. To impress, I mean. Easy to impress.

But now Lae’zel, like Gale before her, has had a big nerf in the horniness department. In the extensive patch notes for Patch 4, released Thursday, Larian said that “for Lae’zel to decide to romance you, you no longer only need to gain high enough approval from her. You must also have proven yourself worthy through your actions.”

Nobody yet knows what you need to do prove yourself worthy enough for Lae’zel to throw you a bone, as it were, but the sex%-ers are disconsolate (in a tongue-in-cheek way). “Rest in peace to the funniest category ever,” Mae said in a short YouTube video titled “The Death of Baldur’s Gate Sex Speedruns” (as spotted by IGN). But, giving us all hope in this dark time, Mae added in the comments: “The good news is that the stuff we use for speedrunning bear sex is still untouched.”

Patch 4 is a gargantuan update, with over 1,000 fixes and changes, including new settings for colorblind players, an upgrade that should improve image quality on Steam Deck, the ability to customize hirelings’ appearance, and new options for Withers’ Wardrobe. Lae’Zel’s memory has improved: “Lae’zel was having trouble getting over Act I and Act II. She’ll no longer make certain comments in Act III as though you’re still in the earlier stages of your adventure.” So has Cazador’s: “Cazador suddenly remembered he can turn into mist and fly, so he’ll no longer give up the ghost if he falls into a chasm.” And, lest we accuse Larian of being no fun at all: “Added better multiplayer support for the post-celebration night in Act I. Now all avatars can choose which companion they want to get jiggy with.”

Horniess nerfed, but jiggyness buffed. We can live with that.

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