How to build a PC: A comedy of system errors

My name is Chris Plante, and I've been PC sober for 13 years.

In 1999, my freshly unwrapped copy of Vampire: The Masquerade Redemption locked up during a software update. I pulled the computer loose from the socket, asked my dad to help carry it across the street, and sold my then three-year-old Christmas present to a friend known for hosting neighborhood LAN parties, bidding adieu to that PC and all PCs forever. I used the cash to buy a Sega Dreamcast, five or six games, two memory units, and a fishing controller.

I long felt quitting PC was one of young me's healthiest choices. I didn't like something so I cut it loose. If I could take any part of the decision back, it would be the fishing controller. That was one of young me's worst choices. I digress.

Being PC-free was a boon. During freshman year of college, I saved cash and stayed out of my dorm room. I brought an Xbox, but it served a social purpose, hosting split-screen Halo and pick-up games of Madden. A close friend who played World of Warcraft became a hermit sophomore year, missing class and ordering take-out from the aptly named chicken wing joint Pluck-U. I patted myself on the back.

Conversations with skeptical colleagues and the stomach-churning price tag of a high-end readymade computer nearly extinguished the fire, but this summer, a number of games fanned the embers back to life, coaxing the flame into a fire. There was the popularity of DayZ, the open world zombie apocalypse simulation; the latest NVIDIA graphics cards, with the aforementioned Kepler tech; a group of indie games includingThey Bleed Pixels, Thirty Flights of Loving, and Slender Man; and a set of high profile exclusives like Orcs Must Die 2 and Guild Wars 2. An MMO. The genre I'd casually dismissed.

If I was going to do this, though, I decided that I wanted the "true PC experience:" to build my own rig. I can't recall why I decided this. Probably I was influenced by years of boasting from PC-loving friends, or maybe I wanted to save some money, because that, I am told breathlessly, is the "number one reason" to build and not buy a PC.

While skimming Amazon, not knowing my GPU from my CPU, I became overwhelmed by the absurdity of choices and began to wonder if I was making a very expensive mistake. I turned to friends, colleagues, the internet, and anyone at all who would respond to my gobs of questions.

And so, with the support of my oddball friends, I set out to build the PC.

The first thing you learn is the jargon because you have no other choice. Everyone in PC gaming is a jargonist; it's a matter of to what degree.

Google helped with the basics. A GPU makes the pretty graphics. A PSU provides the power. A mobo is a motherboard, and a motherboard is like the dining room table on which the other parts are served. I found it easier to think about the parts as familiar metaphors rather than what they actually are: expensive and delicate hunks of metal and silicon that, so far as I can tell, perform magic or make deals with the devil to conjure images onto my screen. My ignorance about these things is humiliating, and now more than ever, I wonder why my public school didn't offer classes like "How to PC."

A number of places online, The Verge included, do a tremendous job educating newcomers like myself, providing a list of parts for a decent build, telling readers where they might want to deviate from the course if they want something better or cheaper. These writers also do an exceptional job of making the process look smooth, easy even. The videos trim out the boring parts, like spending evenings online hoping to find a cheaper power supply unit, grinding your teeth deciding whether to buy costly extended warranties. In the world of build videos, every part is available, carefully unpacked in a static proof space with a large table, the right tools, and plenty of elbow room.