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On Saturday Night Live, Daniel Craig’s Bond cleans up at the craps table

You, sir! You! Sir, you, you!

Owen S. Good is a longtime veteran of video games writing, well known for his coverage of sports and racing games.

Saturday Night Live dares to answer a question that, honestly, I haven’t contemplated over all the years of watching Bond flicks: For all the time he spends in casinos, sizing up this arms dealer or that megalomaniac, how does 007 actually make out at the tables?

With Daniel Craig as last night’s host, this was the perfect chance to find out. When Bond rolls his second seven, he transforms from debonair covert operative to a flyover rube on his first hot streak.

Special thanks to a schnockered Heidi Gardner elbowing Bond Girl Chloe Fineman out of the way, yard-drinking hype man Kenan Thompson, and Kate McKinnon as the irrepressible slot machine grandma.

The bit ends rather abruptly, but hey, Bond has to win in the end, right? It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that Q cooked up some special loaded dice that Bond palmed into the game.

Also last night, Rachel Dratch reprised her transcendent Debbie Downer role for the first time in 14 years. Yes, you read that correctly. Where the hell has she been? We’ve never needed Deb more than in times like these.

Dratch parachutes right back into character, but unfortunately, doesn’t win an applause break like the one she got for revealing herself. The cruel reality of her stardom is that Debbie must forever compete with the 2004 debut that made Jimmy Fallon, Amy Poehler, and Lindsay Lohan break character.

Saturday Night Live has the next two weeks off, then returns March 28 with John Krasinski (The Office, Amazon’s Jack Ryan) hosting.

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